A Family In Times of Separation
Eloisa Jean A. De Guzman asked:
The first thing that enters your mind when you hear the word family is that it is the basic unit of society.
But there are still numerous descriptions for a family. It is from the family that future citizens are born and molded to be able to carry out their role of service to society. It is also within the family where the first social virtues – charity and justice- are taught and will later on serve as the animating principle of the existence and development of society itself. The family molds the children’s personality , channels their initial relations with others, and launches them into their adult occupations. Preparing a child for his adult place in society and maintaining that integration once made constitute the major daily concerns of family life.
It is this natural environment where the first seeds of development are nurtured, where the child absorbs everything necessary for its growth. The child will also develop family values like truth, goodness, and love. The home prepares the individual for the more demanding relationships outside their homes.
Marriage: The Start of A New Life
Marriage marks the transition from singlehood to the married state. Upon marriage, a man and a woman are joined together as one. They are addresed as Mr. And Mrs., invited as one, regarded as one by relatives, friends, and society in general and expected to act and think as one.
After marriage, a woman is tasked to be a solicitous mother responsible for home management and child care. She also keeps on watching lest her husband be distracted from the primary task of devoting his income to the unit’s welfare. The man on the other hand, who is soon to be a father, serves as the symbolic head of the family. He establishes the family’s unity and identity. Leadership, discipline over children, and the voicing of decisions are male prerogatives, with the wife acting as his helpmate.
One of the factors which operates to keep the husband and wife together is what Lynch (1960:49-50) calls the “conjugal bond”. This means “the internal sense of obligation and privilege, respect, affection, or sexual attraction existing in the mind and heart of each spouse.” A second factor is social pressure. The community expects the husband and wife to be loving and faithful to each other and to have a lasting and permanent marriage. The third bond which ties the spouses together is economic cooperation. The husband is usually the main breadwinner while the wife priamarily takes care of the domestic needs of the family.
But even though the conjugal bond keeps the couple together, husband-wife conflict can make the bond break. Conflict is natural and inevitable in all human interactions including marital relations. It is normal to have conflict from time to time, especially during the first few years of marriage, because no two spouses ever agree completely on everything. Conflict that is economic in nature can include issues on savings, investments, purchase, wife’s career aspirations, husband’s working overtime or moonlighting on a second job and other occupational matters. Disagreements over children may involve the number desired, how much allowance to give to young kids, how much freedom to give to adolescents, and the like. Other usual trouble spots are: loss or lack of affection, problem of role tasks, and deviant behaviors like drinking and gambling.
When The Bond Breaks
In the century just passed, many negative elements and conflicts such as those mentioned above made inroads into the family, affected its stability and weakened its competency as the basic unit of society. If these elements worsen, it may lead to a situation that any family member wouldn’t like to happen- separation. Separation takes place when one of the spouses leaves the conjugal home, either temporarily or permanently, with no formal or legal separation involved. If it is the husband who leaves, he may remain in touch with his family and provide some form of support. There is hope for his return. But there are times when it is the wife who leaves home. Often when wives leave, they bring the children with them.
From United To Separated
Separation is really different from the death of one’s spouse. It hurts more. In separation, the spouse is practically left alone by herself. The abandoned spouse mourns alone by herself and is troubled besides by feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy.
To start life all over again, one must first begin with inner peace. She must be determined to put the unhappy past behind her and have no bitterness towards her spouse. Then she must look at herself at the mirror and be convinced that she is somebody worthwile, unique, created in the image of God and placed on this earth for a job only she can do, a role only she can fulfill.
From this conviction, she can draw inner strenght. This is the time for newness, creativity, to reach out for something different, for a new life awaiting her.
Damage to the Little Ones
It is said that what children need most to know is not so much that they are loved by their parent, but that parents love each other. If parents could only realize the tremendous damage that a martial breakup can do, they would move heaven and earth to keep their relations going. Perhaps they would see to it that the seemingly trivial irritants in their marriage do not expand to such proportions that will warrant complete separation.
It is very human for a separated father and mother to portray each one as the aggrieved party and the other one as the scoundrel. But doing so their children will only do more harm that good.
Picking Up the Pieces
A very concrete step a separated father or mother can take is to rid himself or herself of the bitter feelings he or she may still have after the separation. An adolescent is wrestling with his or her problems of identity, the confusing stage of being half-child and half adult. It is certainly not fair to add to this situation a tug-of-war between battling parents.
Among the most important factors believed to determine marital success (the result of marital hapiness, satisfaction, and adjustment) is family background. The person most likely to be successful in marriage is the one who had a happy childhood and whose parents are themselves happily married. On the other hand, those coming from broken homes are believed to be marital risks. Thus, many parents discourage their children from getting seriously involved in those who are products if unhappy marriage . If there is harmony in the family, there is order in the nation. And when there is fragmentation of our families, there is destruction of our civilizations.
And so, to all young who are undergoing the pangs of a broken home, I say : it is not the end of the world for you. Get hold of yourself and determine that this unhappy event in your life will not destroy you or impair your future. You have your own life stretched out before you. While maturity and responsibility, face the days ahead, determine that the separation of your father and mother is not going to cripple you for the rest of your life. In addition, you should accept the fact that you will now have a broken family and that you should move on with your life.
The first thing that enters your mind when you hear the word family is that it is the basic unit of society.
But there are still numerous descriptions for a family. It is from the family that future citizens are born and molded to be able to carry out their role of service to society. It is also within the family where the first social virtues – charity and justice- are taught and will later on serve as the animating principle of the existence and development of society itself. The family molds the children’s personality , channels their initial relations with others, and launches them into their adult occupations. Preparing a child for his adult place in society and maintaining that integration once made constitute the major daily concerns of family life.
It is this natural environment where the first seeds of development are nurtured, where the child absorbs everything necessary for its growth. The child will also develop family values like truth, goodness, and love. The home prepares the individual for the more demanding relationships outside their homes.
Marriage: The Start of A New Life
Marriage marks the transition from singlehood to the married state. Upon marriage, a man and a woman are joined together as one. They are addresed as Mr. And Mrs., invited as one, regarded as one by relatives, friends, and society in general and expected to act and think as one.
After marriage, a woman is tasked to be a solicitous mother responsible for home management and child care. She also keeps on watching lest her husband be distracted from the primary task of devoting his income to the unit’s welfare. The man on the other hand, who is soon to be a father, serves as the symbolic head of the family. He establishes the family’s unity and identity. Leadership, discipline over children, and the voicing of decisions are male prerogatives, with the wife acting as his helpmate.
One of the factors which operates to keep the husband and wife together is what Lynch (1960:49-50) calls the “conjugal bond”. This means “the internal sense of obligation and privilege, respect, affection, or sexual attraction existing in the mind and heart of each spouse.” A second factor is social pressure. The community expects the husband and wife to be loving and faithful to each other and to have a lasting and permanent marriage. The third bond which ties the spouses together is economic cooperation. The husband is usually the main breadwinner while the wife priamarily takes care of the domestic needs of the family.
But even though the conjugal bond keeps the couple together, husband-wife conflict can make the bond break. Conflict is natural and inevitable in all human interactions including marital relations. It is normal to have conflict from time to time, especially during the first few years of marriage, because no two spouses ever agree completely on everything. Conflict that is economic in nature can include issues on savings, investments, purchase, wife’s career aspirations, husband’s working overtime or moonlighting on a second job and other occupational matters. Disagreements over children may involve the number desired, how much allowance to give to young kids, how much freedom to give to adolescents, and the like. Other usual trouble spots are: loss or lack of affection, problem of role tasks, and deviant behaviors like drinking and gambling.
When The Bond Breaks
In the century just passed, many negative elements and conflicts such as those mentioned above made inroads into the family, affected its stability and weakened its competency as the basic unit of society. If these elements worsen, it may lead to a situation that any family member wouldn’t like to happen- separation. Separation takes place when one of the spouses leaves the conjugal home, either temporarily or permanently, with no formal or legal separation involved. If it is the husband who leaves, he may remain in touch with his family and provide some form of support. There is hope for his return. But there are times when it is the wife who leaves home. Often when wives leave, they bring the children with them.
From United To Separated
Separation is really different from the death of one’s spouse. It hurts more. In separation, the spouse is practically left alone by herself. The abandoned spouse mourns alone by herself and is troubled besides by feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy.
To start life all over again, one must first begin with inner peace. She must be determined to put the unhappy past behind her and have no bitterness towards her spouse. Then she must look at herself at the mirror and be convinced that she is somebody worthwile, unique, created in the image of God and placed on this earth for a job only she can do, a role only she can fulfill.
From this conviction, she can draw inner strenght. This is the time for newness, creativity, to reach out for something different, for a new life awaiting her.
Damage to the Little Ones
It is said that what children need most to know is not so much that they are loved by their parent, but that parents love each other. If parents could only realize the tremendous damage that a martial breakup can do, they would move heaven and earth to keep their relations going. Perhaps they would see to it that the seemingly trivial irritants in their marriage do not expand to such proportions that will warrant complete separation.
It is very human for a separated father and mother to portray each one as the aggrieved party and the other one as the scoundrel. But doing so their children will only do more harm that good.
Picking Up the Pieces
A very concrete step a separated father or mother can take is to rid himself or herself of the bitter feelings he or she may still have after the separation. An adolescent is wrestling with his or her problems of identity, the confusing stage of being half-child and half adult. It is certainly not fair to add to this situation a tug-of-war between battling parents.
Among the most important factors believed to determine marital success (the result of marital hapiness, satisfaction, and adjustment) is family background. The person most likely to be successful in marriage is the one who had a happy childhood and whose parents are themselves happily married. On the other hand, those coming from broken homes are believed to be marital risks. Thus, many parents discourage their children from getting seriously involved in those who are products if unhappy marriage . If there is harmony in the family, there is order in the nation. And when there is fragmentation of our families, there is destruction of our civilizations.
And so, to all young who are undergoing the pangs of a broken home, I say : it is not the end of the world for you. Get hold of yourself and determine that this unhappy event in your life will not destroy you or impair your future. You have your own life stretched out before you. While maturity and responsibility, face the days ahead, determine that the separation of your father and mother is not going to cripple you for the rest of your life. In addition, you should accept the fact that you will now have a broken family and that you should move on with your life.
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